She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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