He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
