i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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