Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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