If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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