All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
