shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
