I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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