I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
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