they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
