we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
