there's paper in my vomit.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
