I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
