I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
