our cab driver is having phone sex.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
