And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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