took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
