I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
