I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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