I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
