found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
