Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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