Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
