i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
