i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
