Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
