I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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