My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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