she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
