everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
