Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
