The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
