You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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