mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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