I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
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