mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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