this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
