i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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