he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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