ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
