@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
