I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
