His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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