Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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