Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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