im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Sober January is a disaster.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
