Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
