You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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