I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
