Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
