i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
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