and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Too much gin, very little bucket
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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