omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
