My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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